Blackout Writings

Many Thoughts, No Structure Part 2

2008-07-30T13:09:00.000-06:00

So this is what is like to feel your mind break.
So this is what it is like to hide away in the past.

History repeats itself all too often.
We try to learn from it only to put our hand back into the fire
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When I thought noting could pull me through
When I thought that I was lost in the dark
You came in to light the way
You held my hand and lifted me off the ground

A chance encounter to share a moment of time to know what it feels like to be heard
I didn’t want the night to end
I didn’t want to go back to reality of our lives apart
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A bright smile worn thin with time spent wondering if there is more out there to be seen
A soft touch that tells me there is a love hidden deep inside waiting to come out

Warm eyes looking into mine hoping for the moment to be eternal
A gentile voice telling me that for all the good we feel this was never meant to be

Fate laughs when you realize that you are not really in control

I don’t know if this will ever be something more
I don’t know if we will ever meet again
But that night will be cherished
That night will never be forgotten

Since the first spoken word
I knew that we were meant for something more than just being two passing strangers in the night

One plane ride is all we will ever have
It was one night to be together and share everything in our lives
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In my mind as I sleep these memories never end
Moments of time frozen to remind me of what cannot be.

Many Thoughts, No Structure Part 1

2008-06-30T10:38:00.003-06:00

As of late there have been many good and bad things happening in my life. All of which have sparked me to try and write again.

Unfortunately I can only get out a few incomplete sentences down then it all disappears. Over the last few years I have longed to write like I once use too but I do not think it will ever come back the way it was.

I'm currently gathering up all the "random" thoughts i have tried to put into poems, lyrics and other writings and will post them up here for those that wish to see them.

Crying Heart

2007-02-19T09:50:00.000-06:00

My heart is torn, unfilled, and empty
I know you love me but I can't love you the same

I've tried to tell myself that I felt the same
I've lied to myself to make me think the same

In hopes that one day I would feel the same as you
In hopes that I would never hurt you

In the end I hurt
In the end I hurt you

My heart is crying knowing that what I've done is wrong
My heart is crying knowing that that it's time to move on
My heart is crying because we've both hurt for so long

(*Note I don't believe this is finished.)

The Awakening

2007-02-01T08:06:00.001-06:00

--Part 1—

With in the mists of neither space, lying between worlds. A long faceless figure stands watch over his Queen. The mist that surrounds him swirls with emotion. Hughes of color reflect off his crystalline shield as he stands ever watching and waiting for what ever threat may come to harm his Queen.

Time does not pass in this place; he knows not how long ago he was awakened from his slumber. He only knows that he is a mere shadow of his once physical self called forth to protect his Queen. No emotion is shown on his face. His eyes continue to stare into the void watching, waiting...

In an instant a flash of memory passes.....

"Welcome my friend, what troubles you?" A voice asks.

"I have come to ask a favor of you."

"Sure, anything for a friend. What is it you need me to do?" The voice returned.

"I need..."

In the mists the figure shakes his head as a presence snaps him back to the duties of his watch. It was his Queen with her strength regain. "Protect My Queen" The words raced through his mind. As he fortified his watch so that nothing would distract him again.

--Part 2—

“How long do you plan to stand watch over me?” Raevyn asked.

“Until I am no longer need my Queen.” The figure responded.

“The threat I had for seen in my weaken state has come and passed. In the end it was no threat. I am sorry I called you to my side for nothing. I was not sure of his intentions when he returned here. It was hard to sense in my weakened state.” She said apologetically.

“I will stand watch here for eternity if need be my Queen. If that is your desire…” The figure replied.

Raevyn with a sigh spoke softly, “I know…I know you would, but you have chosen your path so that you may return to the living world upon my return. Therefore I can not keep you here any longer. You need to return to your slumber. I have interfered enough with things as it is. I wish to have some things return to the way they were.”

Sorrow crept across the figure face as his normally blank features began to form into a familiar face Raevyn could recognize for the first time. She managed a slight smile seeing it. In her heart she knew the figures feelings for her, she sensed them with in the mists that surrounded them both. She could also see it in the face of the figure before her. Like massive windows, his eyes reviled his deepest feelings for her. She wanted to say something to him, but could not for the feeling was not mutual. Her love was dedicated to another. Looking down for a moment with another sigh she returned her eyes to the face before her.

Raising her hand and placing it on the figures chest before her she spoke caringly to him, “Return to your slumber and dream my friend.”

Looking into the eyes of the figure before her one last time she saw tears begin to form. She could sense his spirit resisting her as she tried to send him back to where he came from.

“Let go and return. You have been here too long and he needs you. Return and make him whole once again.” Raevyn said reassuringly. With a final push of her powers the figure began to dissipate and join the mist that surrounded her.

--Part 3--

He did not want to go back. His Queen freed him from the haven the he had now felt become his prison. Why...why did she send me back? The words rang in his mind.

Darkness surrounded him once more. Isolated once again from all living things corporeal and incorporeal. His desire to stay at the side of his queen was not granted. He was for the first time alone. He could not even feel the once familiar presence that kept him company when he first started his slumber so long ago. He was fully awake this time. Trapped in the darkness of another man's soul. His mind raced with the thoughts his Queen, his once familiar friends, the mage that he asked to seal him away.....

*********************************************

"I need...."

"Go on my friend. Is it that difficult for you to ask me for a favor?" a voice asked. "My young warrior I sense you are troubled. Tell me what it is maybe I can help."

"She...is...gone...." the young warrior choked out the words.

"Ah...I see you had fallen in love? And she left you...hmmm...” the voice responded.

"No, it was my Queen, she had left this world...." the young warrior said softly as he looked into the face of the old sage that sat before him.

Stroking his long beard the Sage thought for a moment and replied, "Oh...hmm...well that is news. If I remember correctly you had some feelings for her. Did you not?"

The young warrior lowered his head, "Yes..."

"Well that is nothing to be ashamed of my boy," the Sage scoffed out.

"Yes it is when she is your Queen and she is married!" The young warrior quickly responded. "I can't help it....it is not right for me to feel this way, to think that way...she is my Queen...and she is now gone."

"So you feel guilty for never telling her and you feel ashamed for having these feelings for her? Am I right?" the sage responded in a strong tone.

"Yes...” the young warrior stood up.”I shouldn't be bothering you with this..."

"Bother me?! You know you are always welcome here. Now you came here for help and I plan on giving it. You know, I've never seen you this depressed since..." he stopped mid sentence when he noticed the young warrior's glare bearing down on him before continuing, "Voriig left you behind."

--Part 4--

The words dug deep into the young warrior's heart and twisted his guts into knots as flashes of memory crept into him mind. The old sage was right he was hurt after his first patron Voriig Kye disappeared as well. That was the first time he felt truly alone in this new world. Alone and scared. Alone due to his dedication to his patron and mentor and scared due to the lack of ties with others that he had. He had become family less when Voriig left and knew of no one to turn to in times of need. He swore to himself he would never get that close to another again.

"Ah, but my young warrior, have you already forgotten the rest of your new family?" The old Sage added perking up an eyebrow. "What about Circe bint So the one that brought you into the Queen's house and introduced you to Sun Gin? You are still with Sun Gin are you not?"

The young warrior sighed, "Yes I am still with Gin, but I have not seen Circe for some time now.”The young warroir sat down again and began to rub his eyes.”Ack, am I going crazy? Have I let my emotions take control the better of me, I don't remember being this messed up before..."

The old sage stood up form his large desk and approached the young warrior. Putting a hand on his shoulder in reassurance he said, "My boy, you are just reacting to another person close to your heart leaving this realm of Dereth. You went through allot when Voriig left, that's understandable, he was your Monarch and patron. This time it's just your monarch, you still have your patron. I'm sure things will be fine. From all the things you've told me about this Sun Gin, he seems to be a great and kind man to know. You should honor that and know that he will always be there for you when you need him."

"You are right, Sun has been a great mentor and patron. Better than I could ever hope for," the young warrior said admittedly.

"You see, even you can see the good in bad situations. Really I was beginning to get worried there for a second about you. You seem a bit off your rocker," the old sage chuckled as he moved to a shelf that had a small cabinet on it. Opening the cabinet he pulled out a vial and handed it to the young warrior.

Looking at the blue glass the young warroir looked questionably at the old sage.

"Just a little something to help you rest tonight that's all. I think you could use a good night's sleep." The old sage smiled.

"Thank you, you're right, I should get some rest." The young warrior said as he stood and prepared to leave.

"Take care my friend and get some rest." The sage replied.

With two friends having said there final goodbyes the young warrior left.

The old sage sat at his desk thinking after the young warrior left. With a sigh he leaned back in this chair and began to look out the window through his ceiling.

"That boy...I've never seen him like this. For him to be that upset over his Queen...truly that is not like The Brother I know..."

Looking back at his desk the old sage sighed as he decided to get back to the translations he was working on. The more he works though the more he thought about The Brother.

Closing the tombs on his desk the old sage sighed, "It does no good to work if all I can do is worry about him." He decided to clean up his desk and stop for the night, it was getting late and he wanted to get up early tomorrow to go see how The Brother slept. He hoped his sleeping potion help him. He knew The Brother needed it.

Locking the door to his home the old sage snuffed out all but the candle he was holding to illuminate the walk to his room. It was a cold night and the wind began to pick up and blow hard against the shudders of his windows.

"My my something in the world is unhappy," the old sage muttered out as he prepared for bed. Blowing out the candle he turned in.

********************************************

In the darkness a heart beats fast. The sounds of strained and hurried breaths drown out all others. He was running, running fast. The places looked familiar, but some how twisted out of shape. He only knew to run and run far.

Just then a bright light flashed he sees himself standing over an old man sleeping in his home. The old man seems cold form the draft that has crept into his room through the night.

A dark voice rings... "He stands in our way my brother, do not let him block our...your destiny."

He sees himself raising his hands clutching a sword high over head. Staring at the old man he speaks.... "I have no choice....all must fall....."He thrusts the sword down upon the old man sleeping piercing his back and though until it stops at the hilt. Twisting it then retrieving it just a quickly from the old man's body.

The old man screams in pain, but it was short lived as he saw himself cleave off the old man's head.

A dark vice rings again... "Now on to the next..."

Wiping the blood off the sword's blade with the blanket that was starting to become soaked with the old man's blood the decapitated head moved and the face was revealed. In horror he watched himself step back from the bed. "That face....That face...no....No..."

*********************************************

"NO!!!!!!!" The Brother woke in a cold sweat. Rubbing his eye to help him focus he looked around the room he was in. He didn't see anything in the darkness and lay back down on the bed.

Looking up from where he lay he shook the nightmare out of his mind. "Just a dream....just a dream...."

The Division

2007-01-31T08:49:00.000-06:00

[[Another one of my unfinished Asheron's Call stories]]

--Part 1--

The day was warm, Lanacan always enjoyed the warmth of the sun upon his face. Sitting atop the Yanshii rock he looked around at the destruction that was around him. With a sigh he remembered his brief stay with in this town, the people he met and how they had made him a better person.

"Why have I come back here," he thought to himself, "I have no real tie to this place like the others of my family."

"My family...." He thought to himself about how he missed them much. Only briefly seeing them for a few moments here and there when he had a chance to break away from his studies. Sun Gin, Pud, Ralley, Holy, Whisper Jordi and Brastius, how he missed them his closest friends. He knew that in time he shall see them again.

As the sun began to set Lanacan decided to return to his studies. With a short incantation he entered portal space. In an instant he emerged face to face with the Crystal that sat outside his home...his home, how it now seems more and more like a tomb than a house as each day passes by. He longed for the hunt again....

Sitting at his desk he began to look at the piles of tombs scattered across it. He couldn't get the images of his friends out of his head.

"I cannot study like this" he said to himself and decided to retire for the night. It was early, but Lanacan felt drained from the thoughts of his family.

Blowing out the candles around the room he turned in.

--Part 2--

Lanacan tossed and turned in bed. Restful sleep was fleeting more and more with each passing night. Tonight however something was different.

Have you forgotten me also?

Lanacan woke in a cold sweat. His covers strewn onto the floor from his movements. Shaking his head he sat up and looked around him. It was morning; the sun light was beginning to creep down the stairs that reflected off the glass that sealed his map of Dereth.

The words that woke him echoed shortly in his mind until they faded away into nothingness. He thought to himself that maybe all his studies were beginning to affect him or that he was becoming depressed over not seeing his friends all that much anymore.

Lanacan decided to get up over trying to return to sleep. Walking over to his wash basin he poured the sold water into it and splashed it on his face sending shivers shivering through his body. Wiping his face he looked into his mirror. His face looked worn, as if he had not slept for days. In truth he knew he had not truly slept well for weeks now and his image in the mirror was reminding him of that.

He put on his robes and sat on his couch staring out the window that over looked the plains below. In the back of his mind something was not right. Something was tearing at his conscious. He tried to dismiss it, but it clung to him to tight. "Ok, Lan...your starting to scare yourself" he said aloud.

Getting up off the couch he grabbed his Baudren. "Time to get something to eat" he thought to himself. Saying a small incantation he shortly found himself next to the Lifestone in Rithwic and headed for the Inn.

--Part 3—

“Well Good Morning to you, stranger,” Barkeep Ricetha said to Lanacan as he entered the Inn.

Lanacan made a faint gesture returning the greeting as he moved to sit down at a table in a darker corner of the room. The short walk to the Inn was uneventful no one he knew was in town this early in the morning. He knew them too well to be awake this early in the day. He always choose to come at this time to the Inn so that he wouldn’t be disturbed by the common adventurer bothering him for spells and other things while he ate his breakfast. He hated the fact that Ricetha had her Inn in a Town like Rithwic. Her cooking was too good for him not to see here every so often and of course there was their friendship. She was somewhat of a “motherly advice” figure to him since he left Vaxious’ side to adventure on his own.

“So, you going to try something different for breakfast today?” Ricetha asked. “You know how I slave in my kitchen to make something new and exciting for you when you come in here or are you going to get that same old breakfast you usually get?”

“I’ll have my usual,” Lanacan replied dronely.

“You see, that’s your problem, you drag yourself in here and get the same thing every time, no wonder you look so retched today. You need to have some change in your life and what better way to start than with one of my special breakfasts! HA!” Ricetha somewhat scornfully replied with a hint of laughter under her words as she brought Lanacan a large cup of coffee and a glass of freshly squeezed juice.

“There are other things worth more merit to change in my life than my breakfast,” Lanacan replied.

“Oh…do tell, do tell…” Ricetha said as she perked up her eyebrow.

“No…it’s nothing, just lack of sleep, that’s all,” Lanacan said with a sigh.

“Nothing, well something is bothering you.” She replied. “Spit it out, there isn’t no one but you and me here.” Ricetha insisted as she began to sit next to Lanacan at his table.

“Hmm…where to begin…You know that I have been busy doing research on our new home of Dereth and writing my own personal history down over the last few months. Well, about 2 weeks ago I started to get restless in my sleep…” Lanacan started

“Yeah I could tell you haven’t been sleeping much, those circles under your eyes are getting worse than normal….” Ricetha stopped her interruption when Lanacan made a face at her, “oh I’m sorry, continue…”

“As I was saying, I was getting restless and having some trouble sleeping. I thought it was due to my time inside my house and just needed to get out and get some fresh air. So I decided to take a day and do some light hunting, nothing major, just enough to get the “cobwebs out of the system” so-to-speak. I returned home at night to find that when I tried to sleep it just got worse. I’ve made a few of those hunting trips and still no change.” Lanacan pause to finish off his juice. “That isn’t the worst of what’s eating me.”

“Hmm…seems to me you need to lay off your studies a bit longer. Maybe all that stuff is going to your head and eating what’s in there away,” Ricetha interjected with a giggle as Lanacan moved to take a sip of his coffee.

“Ha, Ha, no wonder there are no customers in here now, you keep saying bad jokes like that,” Lanacan returned with a half smile as he set his cup down.

“Touché, that hurts” Ricetha stated as she fetched herself a cup of Tea and returned to the table. “So what do you think is bothering you?”

“In the last week I’ve had almost no sleep. I don’t recall any night mares, just can’t seem to sleep well,” Lanacan paused to take another sip of his coffee. “Then last night I think I slept the least so far only to have that interrupted by….”

Suddenly the Inn door burst open. “RICETHA! Grab a round of ales for me and my…” the figure in the doorway pause to look behind himself and back out the door. “What the… were did they go? They said they were going to buy me a drink! Dam Kids these days.” the figure said disappointedly. It was Celcynd and he was already drunk. He managed to close the Inn door and stagger his way over to his usual spot.

“Will you quit doing that you old drunken fool!” Ricetha yelled at Celcynd, “If I were to have any customers in here you would have scared them away!”

“Oh, quit your whining, woman, and fetch me an ale.” Celcynd slurred out.

“I’ll fetch you a swift kick in the…” Ricetha stopped and noticed Lanacan getting up from the table. “Where you going Lanacan? I haven’t made your breakfast yet.”

“I’m not hungry anymore…not with him here anyways” Lanacan sternly replied as he glared at Celcynd. “I have something to get done. I will see you later Ricetha.” with saying that Lanacan strode out of the Inn.

“Oh, great, I suppose you have yet to apologize to Lanacan for what you did to him have you Celcynd,” Ricetha made her own glare at him.

“That boy still sore, he got what he deserved, tricking me like he did,” Celcynd grumbled back.
“Got what he deserved?! Where in that drunken mind did you dig that up?! He tried to help you out and you abused it…sometimes you…you…gah…” Ricetha stopped knowing well that Celcynd wasn’t listening to her. She knew it would be no good to try to keep going on with Celcynd.

Lanacan stood outside the Inn for a few moments. “Celcynd…you are lucky I don’t provoke easily….” He muttered under his breath. Straitening his robes Lanacan decided to stop off and get supplies from Sialla Jiro in Martine’s Retreat. He had plans to head to Glenden Woods for the day and knew he needed to be prepared for a fight once he got there now that those creatures have taken up residence in the town. He somewhat missed that town, he had made some good friends there as a child and always made it a point to go visit them every so often as thanks for all they did for him before he met Vaxious. He thought it was silly that all the people he knew in that town decided to stay after the creatures moved in and forced everyone out but the local shop keepers. With a chuckle he entered the portal and made his way to Jiro.

(Writers note: When Lanacan was younger he befriended Celcynd and allowed him to stay at his home for a short time to recuperate from an illness as a favor to Ricetha. Celcynd abused the kindness accusing Lanacan of trying to separate Ricetha from him and spread rumors that Lanacan was a thief and untrustworthy. This made up menagerie that Celcynd concocted after a night drinking alone at Lanacan’s home was never forgiven and continues to be a sore spot between the two.)

--Part 4—

Today was not a good day in the least. Lanacan was attacked as soon as he exited portal space outside of Glenden Woods. He was prepared for the fight; he just didn’t remember creatures being this far out of town. The flammas had somehow managed to make there way up the hill as his body was leaving portal space. He was hurt badly, but nothing that he wasn’t use to from his days of hunting in the Dires. As soon as he could he ran for cover away from town. It didn’t take long for the flammas to stop the chase and return to town. Healing him self and checking his equipment over Lanacan decided to circle around to the other side of town and enter from there. Last he could remember the critters were not on that side of town and could make his way into the Trell’s shop with out much of a fuss.

The short detour was uneventful. He entered the large shop were Aristha and Singud Trell ran to meet his old friends. To his surprise they were not there, the shop was empty. Lanacan checked up stairs and down in the cellar, no one anywhere. He thought of that rather odd since they normally hardly leave the place. Leaving the building he made his way around the front of it to get a glimpse of the Magma Golem Exarch that normally stands in the middle of town. Sure enough he was there. Lanacan thought to himself as he judged the distance between Daifa’s shop, Fydiana and Londigul’s shop. He wondered if he could make it to the farther of the two with out being noticed. He really did not want to go and see Danifa if he could avoid it.

Making his decision and taking a chance Lanacan made a dash for the door to Londigul’s room in the shop. As soon as Lanacan started his run he felt his speed and strength leave him fast. “Dam it,” he said out loud, “the dam thing was waiting for me to move.” Lanacan had no choice but to keep going, he knew that if he was to stop and fight it that the other critters would come running to join in the fray.

Lanacan made his way to the door as the Exarch tried to land some war spells on him. Opening the door and rushing in Lanacan tripped on a chair leg and landed flat on his face.

With a moan he rolled over only to see the Golem’s fire from its body jump into the room barely touching Lanacan’s feet. Lanacan in a scurry got up and slammed the door shut on the Golem. With a large exaggerated sigh Lanacan slid down the door as he heard the thundering of the Golem’s footsteps move away from the building.

“Stupid chair” he muttered as he picked it up and set it back into place with the table.

The Lost Son

2007-01-30T13:36:00.000-06:00

[[Another one of my unfinished Asheron's Call stories]]

The campfires crackled and popped as Soichi Kajihara warmed himself in his make shift shelter. He knew that if anyone was to see the firelight he would have to be prepared to run for safety again, but he was to cold and needed to warm himself in this forsaken land before he froze to death. He thought to himself about how this whole mess began….

[13 Years Earlier]

The grumbling of the people in the court room were almost deafening to young Soichi’s ears as he listen again to all the rumors and speculations of how and why his mother had assassinated the Aluvian Trade Emissary. He looked to his mother as she stood in the center of the courtroom shacked with two guards on either side of her. His mother did not look sad or upset in any way; she stood there with her proud but soft smile looking back at her son. Soichi was too young to truly understand what was happening and it would be some time before he would learn the truth of what really happen.

Soichi only knew that his mother was being taken from him because she did something wrong. He turned to his uncle and started to cry. “Don’t cry my little warrior, you must be strong for your mother, show your courage as she has taught you,” he said.
“But Uncle Katzuma why is my mother being punished, what did she do, I don’t understand,” Soichi choked as his tears began to come more freely no matter how hard he tried to hold them back.
“When you are older I will explain everything to you, but for now just know that she is blamed for doing something very bad, now be strong and show your mother you are not afraid,”

The grumbling stopped as the Overseer came into the courtroom and sat down. “It saddens me to she see such a fine example of Jojii’s teaching here before me this day.” The Overseer paused and looked at Soichi. “I have known this family for many years and I am truly displease with the fact that you Soichi have to witness this at such a young age, but I can not over look all the evidence that has been presented to me against your mother.” Drawing a scroll from his desk he motions for Katzuma and Soichi to approach him. “Imura Katzuma this scroll gives you all powers to be Soichi’s new father and to raise him as your own son, take Soichi and raise him well and remember to teach him about the great person his mother was before this tragedy happen.” “I will Overseer,” Katzuma sternly said.

“Kajihara Kie, I have reviewed all evidence for and against you, I will grant you one last statement before I reveal my sentence upon you. Do you have anything to say.”?
“Yes, I do, to my son.”
“Very well then, proceed.”
“Soichi don’t cry for me my son, remember what I have taught you so far. Remember me as a loving mother and listen to your Uncle’s teachings, for he was the one who has taught me all I wish to pass to you. I am sorry that you must see me like this, but some things cannot be stopped with out loss of honor to our family. I love you Soichi always remember me.”

Soichi looked at his mother as she spoke and he began to cry again, he noticed that her normally proud smile faded and he could see vast sorrow in her eyes, as if she already knew what the Overseer’s verdict would be. Soichi knew deep inside that this was the last time he would see his mother.

“I am finished,” Kie said softly.

“Kajihara Kie, in view of all evidence presented, by the power granted to me by the Emperor, and the Sho nation, it is my sad duty to sentence you to death for the assassination of the Aluvian Trade Emissary. It is also by request that you will be beheaded and your remains transported to Aluvia for their disposal as requested by King Cedraic due to the fact that it was his son that you have killed.”

The courtroom fell silent. “I am truly sorry my child,” the Overseer said to Kie. “Don’t worry, the truth will come out soon enough, and it does not matter if I am alive when it happens as long as Soichi learns of it.” Kie replied.

Soichi watched as the guards took his mother out of the courtroom. His uncle picked him up and carried him home holding him and comforting him as he cried.

[Back to the present]

Soichi was startled for his dream, the fire had gone out. He was cold again, but knew he had to move on. It was his best guess that he had five more days before he would reach Celdon. He knew at least there he would find what he was looking for….

************************************************************

[3 Years Ago]

The day was beautiful as the adolescent ran along the seashore with an older man in tow. “Hold on…I’m an old man… let me rest some before we continue,” the older man said as he tried to catch his breath. “Alright, you rest while I continue,” the adolescent said smartly. As the adolescent ran farther down the seashore, the older man laid back and pondered, softly saying to him self, “yes I think it is time for him to learn the truth. He has become just like his mother in so many ways…”

Back in Ryujii an older woman rummages through an old trunk, “that man will be the death of me some day, the way he keeps all these old worthless things. If I didn’t love him so much I would really give him a piece of my mind!” She pulls out a dusty notebook and hands it to the servant girl watching her. “Here, hold this.” “Yes mam,” the servant girl said softly.

“What do we have here…hmm….”? The woman says as she removes a wooden box. She dusts off the top reveling a small inscription saying, “FOR SOICHI, WITH ALL MY LOVE.” “Who is that from mam?” the girl says as she pears over the woman’s shoulder to see it. “Well my child, Its from Soichi’s mother.” The woman stands and places the box on a small table. “Wasn’t Soichi’s mother the one who assassinated….” “You shut your moth right now! I will hear none of that in my house, you understand!” the woman abruptly interrupted the girl with such force to almost knock the girl over where she stood. “Now set the book down and leave me be.” The servant girl bows her head and leaves the room closing the door behind her.

Taking the notebook to a nearby chair she begins pages through it. As she reads, she realizes that the notebook contains all the information about her little sister’s trial. “Poor Kie, why did they pick you to….” “To what”? a stern voice from across the room states. Startled the woman drops the notebook, spilling some of the pages. “Dam you Katzuma, I hate it when you do that.” she states as she begins to pick up the loose pages. “I’m sorry my dear I didn’t mean to…” “Yes you did, you enjoy scaring me don’t you’? she interrupts.
“Astusa, you know I can’t help it, I love the expression on your face as you jump to the ceiling,” Katzuma says with a smirk. “By the way what are you doing in the storage room?”
“I was trying to clean up the room a bit with the help of Mukio, but I came across this note book and that box on the tale there. Why didn’t you tell me you had these things all these years”?
“I didn’t think it was important to tell you about them back then. Then I just forgot I had them.”
“I don’t believe you one bit. You know about everything in this room, you’re worse than a pack rat!”
“True, I’m sorry for not telling you…how can I make it up to you?”
“Hmm…let me think…well for starters, you can get rid of some of this stuff we don’t need to keep around here.”
“Very well I will.”
“That’s better, now tell me what’s in the box to Soichi.”
“I don’t know, it’s locked some how, Kie only said that Soichi will be able to open it when we’ve felt he is ready to learn about her trial.”
Astusa reflect for a moment and thinks about her sister. “Do you think he is ready?”
Katzuma sighs, “yes, he is just like her, in so many ways, we shouldn’t keep this from him any longer.”
“Very well, when should we do this?”
“Tomorrow, let him rest for the night, he trained hard today and if he passes his test to enter the Royal Guard in the morning then we shall give these to him.”

Astusa carefully places the notebook and box back into the trunk and closes it. Pausing for a moment she looks at the trunk, “I hope we are making the right decision by doing this…” “I’m sure we are my dear, I’m sure we are, now let us go eat and not think about it until tomorrow,” Katzuma says softly as he takes Astusa’s hand and pulls her into him, holding her tight. “I’m sure we are….”

[Back in the present]

Soichi reached the gates of Celdon with out much further incident. He looked around and all the strange things that were within his view, until now he mostly avoided towns and cities for fear of being captured and sent back to Sho. He could not stop yet. Finding an Inn he entered and inquired about a room for the night. The Inn Keeper stated that his rooms were full… Soichi knew it was a lie, but didn’t argue over it. He gave a few coins for a drink of ale and sat at a table. Rummaging through his pack he pulled out a scroll tube and opened it. It was a sealed letter from his uncle addressed to King Cedraic. He slid it back into the tube and retrieved a second sealed letter, this one was to be presented to the guards at the castle gates. “If I were ever to lose these now…,” he thought to him self. “my journey here will be a waste and I may never know the truth.”

Just as Soichi put the scroll tube back into his pack two Gharu’ndim walked in, he instantly recognized them. They were tracking him ever since he left Ryujii. Moving cautiously over to a covered both he slid into it as far as he could go. The two trackers seem oblivious to his presence. He wondered if he would be found out.

“Inn Keep! Have you seen a strange Sho man around here recently?” said one of the men and the other looked around the room.
“Yes I have said the Inn Keeper, he was here last night, and left early this morning.”
Just as the Inn Keeper was finishing his sentence, The Gharu’ndim grabbed him and pulled him onto the bar top, sternly saying, “ you best not be telling me a lie now….you sure he was here last night and left.”
“I’m sure of it..” the Inn Keep said with a stutter.
“Very well, if any of you see or hear of him, know that he is a wanted man in his home land and has a heavy bounty on his head! We shall be back to check in again…”
In the commotion at the bar Soichi forgot about the second Gharu’ndim. He panicked for a second, wondering where he went to. Slowly he moved in the both under the table to get a better look at the room. He could not see him. Just then, he saw him, standing right in front of the both. From under the table Soichi saw the curtain move. He felt a lump in his throat grow. He began to think of how he could get out of this situation…just then, he heard the first Gharu’ndim yell at the one looking into his booth. They both said something in Gharu’n to each other and then left the Inn.

With a small sigh of relief he put himself back in the seat. Thanking the spirit of his mother for protecting him. He looked out, and watched the bar keep go to the door and look out. Soichi thought that it would be best to head to the castle right away instead of resting…but just as he finished his thought the Inn Keep yelled at him, “Hey you, you still want a room?”
“Yes, but I thought they were all full?” Soichi replied.
“I didn’t until them two showed up.”
“Then why are you giving me a room now?”
“I may not like you Sho, but I like Gharu’ndim assassins even less! And for them to get involved means you’re either a criminal or you’re someone important enough to have killed…I figure the second one myself, only because you don’t look like the first type.”
“I thank you for your help.”
“Don’t thank me, you ain’t out of hot water yet with those two…”

As night came Soichi pondered the assassins that showed up today at the Inn. He knew that he could not stay the night here, for he could not chance that the Inn Keeper wouldn’t bring them to get him in the night. He decided to leave the Inn after nightfall and try his chances in the streets. At least then he knew he would be able to run if he had to.

*********************************************************

The drunkard stumble his way out of the tavern barely able to catch himself before falling in the fresh fallen snow. His rank breath fermented by ale melts the white flakes as he rests his head on the railing hoping that the world would stop spinning. “God darn snow, why did you come out tonight, go away with ya, so I’s don’t kill myself getting home,” he slurred out loudly. With a grumble of disgust he begins to shuffle his way down the street leaning to and fro, balancing him self occasionally against a wall or post. Pausing to lean against a post, he looks around and with out seeing anyone, he begins to relieve himself on the street. “Heh, that will teach him for doing what they did to me, piss on this city and everyone in it…Ummph” Just as he was finishing his sentence two men bolted out of the near by alleyway, the first one knocking him over. “Hey! What in…” before the drunkard could finish they were gone. As he looks around he saw a third man running between the streets a little farther down. “What is going on tonight? Dam people have no respect anymore…none I say! No respect!” He belts out.

At the Castle gates of Celdon the guards are in the middle of changing shifts. “Nasty cold out tonight. eh?”
“Yes very, good thing we are about to get relieved. I need to warm up a bit.”
“Same here mate.”
A few minutes go by as the guard move about to keep warm.
“Ah, bloody hell when are they getting here…they’re a little late don’t you think.”
“Would you rush out here in the cold?”
“Nah, I wouldn’t…but I would have been quick than…Ah, hear they come. I say mates, about time ain’t it?”
The new guards give no response….
“I say, about time….you….” the guard’s voice trails off and his body slumps to the ground. The two other men make a hand single motioning another pair of men with a cart to come forward. They placed the bodies in the cart and take off out of the city. The remaining men take their positions acting as guards for the castle.

[8 Years Ago]

“Uncle, why are you making me learn this?” young Soichi said inquisitively. “Because you will someday have a use for this.” Katzuma responded frankly. “Now continue to study your writing and codes. There will be a test later before dinner, if you pass you will get a surprise.”
“Ok uncle, I will try hard to study.”
“Good.”

“Astusa, I’m going out, I will be back by dinner, make sure Soichi keeps to his studies until I get back.”
“I will, don’t worry our little Soichi will keep to his studies.”

As Soichi studies he can only think to himself that learning these codes are dumb. In his mind he cannot understand why his uncle feels that it is necessary to use such secret writings…all he can think about is his mother….and how much he still misses her.

**********************************************************

As Soichi looks out of the room window, he see that a light snow has begun to fall on the city. Opening the window, he feels the chilled air on his warm face. “Better now than never,” he thinks. He knows his only chance to escape the assassins is to head strait for the castle. He looks out the window for a way to climb down from the Inn. Not seeing anything he contemplates attempting a jump to the ground. “Piece of cake,” he whispers to himself. Landing with a muffled thud on the ground Soichi looks to see if his way is clear. Slowly he begins to make his way down the streets of the city trying to avoid being noticed.

As Soichi turns into an alley a heavy accented voice says, “Going somewhere are we?” Soichi freezes and sees a figure ahead of him in the alleyway. It’s one of assassins from the Inn. He bolts to a run back out of the alleyway and down the street. Just as he enters the street he catches a glimpse of the second assassin trying to cut his exit off. Soichi in a spit second reaction reaches into a pocket withdrawing a couple of shurikens, throwing them at the would be interceptor. The assassin evades the attempt, but it gives Soichi enough room to get by and run away.

Running for his life, Soichi dashes through darkened streets and alleyways hoping to evade his pursuers. ”There is no way to lose them unless I find shelter or head out of town,” Soichi thinks, “dam snow is making it hard to run.” Moments after he finishes his thought he smashes into someone knocking him to the ground with a thud. “Hey! What in…” the fallen person shouts. “No time… no time to stop, got to keep going…sorry,” he says under his breath in a somewhat vain attempt to make up for knock the person over.

As Soichi runs he sees the night watch and decides to run for them, hoping his pursuers will stop the chase. “Sirs! Sirs! Help me! Thieves are after me!” he yells to them. The night watch turn and see him running towards them with another following closely behind. “Halt, and stand where you are!” shouted the Captain of the watch. Soichi stopped and looked behind him to see what has become of his pursuers. His rouse worked they were gone for the moment.

“Ok, young man, what is this about being chased by thieves, I don’t see anyone but you…hmm?” the man said.
“Sir, I swear they were right behind me, I was running for my life!” Soichi pants out catching his breath.
“Well, I did not see anyone behind you…I should have you taken in for wasting my time!” the man retorted.
“But sir I tell you the truth, at least escort me to the castle.”
“The castle? What business do you have there?”
“I have a message for King Cedraic from Imura Katzuma, the Sho ambassador. Here, are my papers proving it.”
“Bah, boy you are wasting my time! Men! Take this here messenger boy to the guard house and hold him till further notice.” He turns to Soichi, “Boy you better be telling the truth, or else I will make sure you rot in the bowls of the castle for this.” With that the other men grabbed Soichi and took him to the guardhouse just inside the castle walls. Soichi didn’t struggle with the men as they escorted him, he knew this way he was safe from the assassins for the time being.

The Mask of Fate

2007-01-29T08:03:00.000-06:00

[[This was the start of a back story for a character I use to play in a game called Asheron's Call. I never was able to finish it. However I hope you do enjoy what is written here and please let me know what you think.]]

It was a cool summer morning; Soichi Kajihara was as usual busy inspecting his troops before they took their posts with in the Emperor’s palace. As Captain of the Emperor’s personal guard he was highly trained in the art of war and military conduct. He knew he didn’t get this position handed to him, he work very hard to get were he was and let his troops know every time they made a mistake. Soichi did not what anything to jeopardize his standing with the Emperor.

Soichi took great honor in his duties. Knowing full well that it was his job to make sure no harm ever came to the Emperor. He meticulously inspected his troops looking them over top to bottom, front to back, to make sure that there was nothing out of place. For all his harshness and meticulousness with his troops they respected and revered him. Soichi was young for his position, young enough to have a few of his own troops were almost twice his age, but he was a master of his skill and a genius at military tactics. He had proven this time and time again, foiling many Gharu’ndim assassination attempts while just a regular soldier among the Royal Guard. This caught the eye of the Emperor and his Generals as well. To reward Soichi the Emperor made him captain of his personal guard, and made it clear that he was to be treated with the respect of the greatest of Generals. Soichi knew this did not please the Emperors personal advisers and Generals. They looked down upon Soichi with a mildly visible distain that truly only showed in private. But Soichi was fully aware of this for the Generals and advisers frequently spoke of their distrust and ill liking of Soichi around the posted troops of the palace. The troops would then in turn relay what they heard to Soichi. This endless cycle continued and every time Soichi proved that he was more than capable in handling his position.

The war between the Sho and Gharu’ndim nations was in full swing. This war was a part of Soichi’s life. He was born into it. Soichi never knew the true reasons that started the war, which side struck first or truly why it continued. He strongly felt that this was a waste of precious resources and time for the Sho people. These feelings he kept deep inside, for he knew that revealing them would compromise his standing with the Emperor and give his adviser and Generals a reason to get rid of him for someone more pliable to their ways. Soichi felt that the Generals prolonged this war so they may continue to run the nation as they saw fit. The Emperor was old and not as strong as he use to be. Soichi knew the Generals had their hands in too many things working the strings of the Emperor and that his advisors were also a part of this puppet government the war had produced. Always seeking powers from under the Emperor and subterfuge the Emperor’s true intentions. Soichi disdained this, but he was only one man among them. So he stayed ever watchful for evidence strong enough to turn the power back into the Emperors hands, as it should be.

*********************************************************

Soichi was growing impatient. News had reached him that the Gharu’ndim army was recruiting Aluvian mercenaries into their ranks. There was something that he could think of to counter this. Soichi knew it wasn’t his position to make battle plans for the regular army, but he couldn't help it. He knew the regular leaders were incompetent, he believed that what ever they might come up with would never work. The Generals above him were set on using old outdated tactics in situations like this and Soichi couldn't stand it having to sit by and watch poor bring used. Soichi decided to try and talk to General Takai, the chief military commander under the Emperor. General Takai has used Soichi’s advice before and recognized Soichi’s natural abilities to lead Soichi was willing to chance stepping out of place to try and counter this action the Gharu’ndim made.

“Absolutely not! We shall not employ mercenaries of our own. That would be a dishonor to the Sho people Soichi,” General Takai stated reverently.
“Sir, with Aluvian mercenaries with in Gharu’n ranks we will out numbered our forces and this might turn into a war of nutrition. We can not sit back and watch as our own men get slaughtered!” Soichi replied.
“My answer is still no. I see no reason to hire Viamont or Milantin mercenaries as you suggest just too counter the Aluvian ones. We will just have to make due and try to come up with better strategies to fight on. I’m sure you would prefer to make battle plans than to baby sit mercenaries wouldn’t you? Now stop meddling in affairs that are not your concern that is an order. Because if you try to do this again I will make sure you will be stripped of your rank.”
“Yes sir…”
“Now leave me be I have more important things to worry about.” With that Soichi saluted and left General Takai’s quarters. Soichi had a bad feeling about this. He couldn’t remember the last time Takai got upset over something like this. It was not like him Soichi thought. Soichi decided to let this one go. With the way General Takai was he wasn’t willing to push the subject any farther. It was getting late. Soichi inspected the night watch and send them to their posts. He decided to try and get some rest tonight and not worry about the incident from earlier between Takai and himself.

The night was cool and camp a sign of the rain season to come. Soichi decided to check up on his troops that just got off duty. He did this frequently. At time Soichi would stay at the troops barracks late into the night talking and playing betting games with his soldiers. He knew by making them feel like people and not just soldiers he would always have their trust and confidence. He would risk his life for his soldiers and he knew they would do the same if need be. After spending time with his troops Soichi decided to turn in for the night and get some rest.

************************************************************

Soichi tossed and turned in bed. The nightmares had returned to him as they did occasionally. This night was different however. For the past few days they have been more intense than ever…

Soichi looked over the battlefield from atop his hill. His troops were at the ready for the Gharu’ndim attack to the capital city. He had made his plans and set up a line of defense. “They may have made their way this far but they will never get into the city.” He thought to himself. “Lieutenant give the orders for the men to start setting up the final parts of the defense.” “Sir.” The young officer said as he ran sown the hill to the signal bearers. Just as the signals were being given a messenger arrived with news that the Gharu’ndim army was about a half days march away. “They have that far already?” Soichi said in amazement. He didn’t think an army that size could travel so fast. This put a bind in his original plans. Soichi was waiting for additional troops to help in the defense. Yesterday’s report was wrong he misjudged them. The Gharu’n army had traveled a two to tree day march in less than one day. Soichi didn’t panic he knew his troops could last a full assault for a day. He just hoped his reinforcements would arrive in time.

Then suddenly there was an explosion at the center of his defense line. Soichi looked and saw that the area fill with flames. He couldn’t understand what had just happen. He froze in place. He watched as his men fell to a wave of powerful magic released upon them killing his men where they stood. It wasn’t the Gharu’n army attack as reports said…he saw that they were being attacked my dark cloaked creatures. Creatures he had never seen before in his life. Soichi tried to move. But he remained frozen in place like some unseen force held him there. The out of nowhere a voice came into his mind, “Simple little meat puppet you will soon learn the truth.” With that one of the cloaked figures Shots a Ball of fire at Soichi. Soichi watches in horror as it comes near him, unable to move he closes his eyes and prepares for death.

Soichi jumped awake in bed drenched is a pool of sweat still feeling the heat of the fireball. Soichi eased his way out of bed to a table and sat down. He was breathing heavily as he took a glass of water and drank it. “Why am I having these dreams?” he thought to himself. Grasping for any fragment of meaning all he could remember was the stark white faces on those creatures. He thought about all the scary stories his grandfather would tell him about demons and ghosts, but none that he remembered matched what was in his dream. Soichi got up and shook his head and decided that there would be no more sleep tonight. He walked to his window and looked out side. It was a few hours before dawn his sleep became less and less with every passing night due to the nightmares. Deep inside he feared that he might never sleep eventually due to them. Soichi closed his window shutters and lit a candle. Taking a book form a shelf he began to read it. It was an old journal of his grandfather’s one that he read frequently to settle his nerves after having nightmares. The journal told about the travels to other countries that Soichi’s grandfather made when he trekked out to sell Sho mercantile. As he read he became tired again as hard as he fought off sleep it began to grip him all the more. Finally he drifted back to sleep in his chair.

************************************************************

The next few weeks for Soichi came and went with out much notice, it was the middle of the rainy season just before the winter would set in. He knew that during the next few months the war would take a back seat to the holiday festivals that approached. Both Sho and Gharu’ndim soldiers would be at ease and no troop movements would be made. It was like this every year. The Holiday festivals of the two countries were the only things that seemed to deter the war. Even the Aluvian mercenaries traveled back to Aluvia for there own festivals. Soichi took comfort in this odd situation even though he knew that this would be the best time for either of the two countries to strike one another with their guard down. This year, Soichi hoped, would be like the past years and that this semi-truce would hold.

The rainy season ended giving way to the winter cold everyone went about with out much worry. Even the Generals from the advanced units came back to the palace to celebrate in the festivals. The armies had made winter camps in the boarder outposts on both sides and settled in for the winter. This time of year was one of the rare times Soichi left for more than a day from the palace leaving his lieutenant in charge of the troops. He had obtained permission to travel to his hometown of Kayotae. This town was nothing more than a merchant’s paradise a home away from home for some. It was on the northwestern shore of Tiwah across the sea from Ryujii. Kayotae was less than a days ride from the palace and was a mecca of shipments to and from the island capital. Soichi’s parents lived there. His grandfather had opened a store there after he felt he was too old to travel the long distances to sell goods in other countries. Soichi grew up in that store with his grandfather and parents. The did not have a lot of money at times but they managed to always keep the business going. I f it weren’t for his grandfather he would of never left and eventually inherit it. Soichi’s grandfather was the first to recognize his potential as a military person. Soichi as a child was too rambunctious for someone to eventually learn to run the store and his grandfather convinced Soichi’s father to let him try out of the Royal Guard. Soichi’s father was strict, but took the chance and allowed Soichi to try. To his father’s amazement he made it in out scoring all the others in every test. Soichi made a point to visit his parents at least once every other year.

When Soichi entered Kayotae old child hood friends that would recognize him as he made his way to his parents shop greeted him. The smell of the sea air was refreshing here it relaxed him and gave a chance for his mind to wander away from military life. As he made his way to the shop he often recalled his child hood in this bustling town and how much he enjoyed watching the ships come in and out of port. He remembered how he especially enjoyed seeing the goods from Aluvia and Viamont he often wondered how two countries be so different and yet produce similar goods. Coming out of the memories Soichi saw that he was at his destination. He dismounted his horse and secured it to a post. As he entered the shop he noticed that it was less stocked with goods that he remembered from the last time he visited. “Mother, Father I have come for a visit.” Soichi said loudly. There was no answer. He said it again as he moved to the back of the shop thinking they might be there and didn’t hear him. Looking around the shop it seemed that no one was there. I thought it was odd that his parents would leave the shop door unsecured if they were gone. He decided to make his way up stairs to the living area. As he came up the stairs Soichi looked around and saw no one. He was getting worried. He called out again, “Mother…Father.” There was still no answer. “This is really strange,” he said in a low voice.
Just as he was about to make his way back down the stairs he heard a muffled thump. Quickly he drew his blade and noted the sound came form the bedroom area. He moved as quietly as he could to the door. Noticing that it was cracked slightly he began to slowly push it open. Just as he opened is up enough to make his way in he heard a loud “SUPRISE!!” come from inside that made him jump out of his boots. “Welcome home son.” his parent said with joy. “Mother, Father you scared me! Don’t do that…” Soichi exclaimed. “Ahh…don’t worry we stood far enough back form the door just in case you came charging in.” he father said with a chuckle as he picked up a wrapped bundle and handed it to Soichi. “What’s this?” Soichi asked. “It’s your coming home gift.” His father replied, “Open it up and see.”

As Soichi opened it he saw that it was a small wooden box ornately caved with ancient Sho writings. Looking at it a bit puzzled he looked to his parents, “How do I open the box, I don’t see any latches.”
“Here let me show you,” his mother said. And with that she proceeded to push in what looked like ornamental circular carvings on the front of the box in a set pattern. “This is an old safe chest we found in one of our travel to the northern territories. It’s designed to keep valuables safe from theft. Now, you open the lid up your real gift is inside of it.” She finished with the combination and there was a faint click. Opening it Soichi saw a Gold colored Nekode inside it was finely crafted and judging from the details of the ancient inscription on it had to cost a fortune to purchase it. “You shouldn’t have bought this for me.” Soichi said in amazement still admiring the weapon. “We didn’t son. It’s a family treasure and we felt it was time for you to have it,” his father said. “I, I don’t know what to say…thank you.” Soichi said as he continued to admire the weapon. He held it in his hand, it was light and agile compared to other Nekodes he had practiced with. “It is believed to have some magical abilities, but I think that is just an old wives tale that was passed on with the weapon,” his mother said, “it has been in our family for many generations. It was made before the Kingdoms were united. Your grandfather carried it with him during his travels and wanted you to have it.” Soichi said a silent thank you to his grandfather for the gift and returned it to the box. “I will cherish it always. I have the perfect place for it back in my room at the palace,” Soichi said as he closed the box and heard it latch.

Soichi and his parents went into the sitting room and caught up on what was going on in their lives over the past years. After a meal they decided to turn in for the night and let Soichi rest after his day of traveling and excitement. Tomorrow would be another day for visiting and Soichi was glad to be home again. Soichi breathed in the fresh air once again. The air here was cleaner than around the palace. He thought about his troops and hoped they were doing well and that everything was ok. He knew they were and with the reassurance of leaving his most trusted lieutenant in charge he finally started to get tired and fall asleep.

************************************************************

Soichi awoke to a loud scream in the night it was his mother. He jumped up off his crude bed and rushed to the bedroom. Throwing open the door he froze to the sight of a cloaked intruder striking down his father with a sickle. “NOOO!!!” he screamed at the intruder a he charged it. He felt his life drain form him and he crumpled to the floor in pain. Looking up he saw that it was a creature from his previous dreams. It turned to his mother and with one blow it struck her down as well. In seeing what took place Soichi had a rush of adrenalin and burst to the creature slamming all of his weight into it knocking it to the wall but it did not fall as he hoped it would. With a wave of its arms Soichi felt his strength leave him. As hard a Soichi tried strike the creature it evaded his attempts with ease. Soichi felt as if it was toying him and enraged him even more. With one last surge he struck the creature sending it to the wall again. This time it seemed to hurt it. Taking the open opportunity Soichi rushed out of the room to the table in the sitting room where the box containing the Nekode was. He attempted in vain to open it. “Open dam you open!” He couldn’t get the box to open up. He tried and tried but to no avail. He felt more of his life drain away from him. He looked to the bedroom door and noticed the creature coming towards him. Soichi tried to dodge the sickle it wielded, but it was no use it struck him in the arm rendering it useless and knocking him to the ground. “Frivoless meat puppet you shall learn you lesson yet,” it spoke in his mind, “You are no match for us. Your tie to the flesh shall be your downfall.” Soichi scrambled to get out of its way as it lunged forward for the kill. He felt its blade tear into his back knocking him to the ground again. The pain running through Soichi was great and it hindered his movement. Turning to face the creature again he saw a ball of energy grow in front of it as it crossed its arms. Soichi tried to move but found that he couldn’t due to his wound. Then the creature released its magic in a charge of lightning at Soichi. In horror Soichi watched it come at him in slow motion. He could feel the energy lick at him as it approached. The pain of his wound soared to unimaginable heights as the electricity wrapped around him. He screamed in agony as his body was jolted against the wall behind him. He was barley alive after the blast from the creature. Barely holding on to his life the creature spoke in his mind again, “We are coming. Your kind shall fall…” the creatures words tapered off as Soichi passed out form the pain.

“Soichi, wake up son, wake up!!” his mother said as she shook him awake. “What, what is it…” He replied groggily “You were having a nightmare and started yelling in pain, you ok?” his mother asked with deep concern on her face.

Don't

2007-01-23T08:02:00.001-06:00

Don’t
Try
I
Am
Not
Impresses
By
The
Game
You
Play
With
Me

Torn

2007-01-23T08:01:00.002-06:00

Torn
Between
Reality
And
Imagination
Thoughts
Move
Freely
Between
Consciousness

And
What
Lies
Beneath
Our
Dreams

Normal
Is
Only
A
Setting

That
Can be
Found
On the
Dryer

We

2007-01-23T08:01:00.001-06:00

We
Know
Too
Much
For
Our
Own
Good
To
Be
Good
To
Our
Selves
And
Each
Other

Ask again

2007-01-23T07:59:00.000-06:00

Never again
Am I coming
Home to you
Tired of
Falling on my
Face in
Front of
You.

TIME PEACE

2007-01-19T09:57:00.001-06:00

Time diffused the bomb that day…
All seemed well in the world.
No worries to think of.
People lax again as if nothing torrential took place.
Budding forth joy and peace took its place in the world and nothing seemed to shake this lesson learned.
Talk, walk, talked, nothing else seemed to be of it all, no one remembered after that instant of time.
What almost was laid to waste is still whole and good in the minds of the people who stopped remembering.
Ring, ring, pick up the phone and answer the call to home.
No one is out every one safe in there home.
“I have no worries, I have no fears, I have no complaints, all is well.” They say when asked a question. No matter the question.
Any question?

STANDARDS OF LIFE

2007-01-19T09:55:00.004-06:00

Blackness is the color of night. Darkness becomes of those who let the light diminish from their hearts. “Seeing is believing,” they say, but how do they believe when they can’t see? You must believe to see, I say. Of course it is very hard to understand life without seeing.

Believe in what you feel inside; don’t doubt your own personal expression. Doubt and you will fall, be strong in spirit, mind, and the body will follow in being. Come from with-in, be emotional, keep your balance true. Don’t let go of your self to the point of never coming back. Reality can be shaped by your own actions. Think before you act, but act with spirit and instinct. The instance you doubt you fail.

Yielding to force is not cowardice. Yielding is knowing your own strength in a situation. Cowardice is not trying to do something because of fear.

Settle your heart and balance your mind. Know yourself true. LIVE FOREVER.

SHE (the dream)

2007-01-19T09:55:00.003-06:00

She runs through my mind and I don’t know what I’m trying to see with my time that’s against me. He comes through the door and takes her away from me and I can’t seem to take control of what is written on the page of life. That tells the story of 3 men in a boat in the desert. Floating in a cloud. Positive thinking gets no where with out the negative falling behind the light of my own soul. The King comes to my door and knocks on the window to my bedroom and tries to call her on the phone in the stove. Peace of her in the pie tin sitting in the sink waiting for her to be washed upon the shore. Don’t say goodbye I’ve just started to explore my inside.

Plain & Simple

2007-01-19T09:55:00.001-06:00

One word, one thought. It could be over. It could be the end to everything. What we know is what we are told. We learn by example of action over example of thought, because of this we tend to blame someone else or television for our mistakes or problems. We are wrong, we need to start to look internally for the reason we exist. There can be no other reasons why, who, or what we are. We are what we make ourselves to be. If you remove the external modifiers we are just ourselves. Alone, with no excuses on why we do what we do, because there would be nothing to blame things on but ourselves.
Alone, plain and simple.

PEACE OF MIND

2007-01-19T09:54:00.004-06:00

Stasis unknown. Why do I feel so alone in my mind? Colors blend in the light till it swirls down the drain to oblivion. Point blank return to somewhere else in time. It’s something that I don’t have to lose, my pockets are full of it, but it’s lost among the coins of fate in an endless cycle of laughing gestures. They tell me that I’m lying between the lines of the paper, in the middle of the A&N. Look closely at me and I’ll go to the H&K. But these injunctions are simple thoughts of a lively time of sleeping. The little death that takes us all to an endless drive in the others lives of desperation to what seems abnormal to the point of comfort. What’s left is only your self. In the crowd of faceless images in the grayness of dawn and dusk. It’s all the same to me I’m one not to tell. I just watch the world and observe.

PAST CONCEPTS

2007-01-19T09:54:00.003-06:00

Actions take away peace of mind.
The lively ones continue to move.
The lazy ones continue to sit.

What is the point of self-proclaiment?
If no one hears you talk?
If no one hears you act?

How do you live with these ideas?
How do you choose this path of self-proclaiment?

I know I talk about myself as if I’m higher than everyone else is, but I learned to humble myself.

Slowly but surly I will endure and become calm once again.
As I once was before.
And the way I should have stayed.

NIGHT SCARE

2007-01-19T09:54:00.001-06:00

I breathe out, the smoke fills the air. I think of you when you sat right over there. The phone rings, I hear your voice clear through, but it wasn’t you. The memories fade, but the pain remains the same. No one knows that you still haunt my mind. All this time choking me out of life. Nothing to call my own, I breathe in, filling my lungs with stale air. I think of you, wondering why I still care.
The phone rings, it’s threw. Nothing left between me and you.

My thoughts run cold…

2007-01-19T09:53:00.005-06:00

Lucid thoughts flow, my pours breath harshly into the wind. Time leaves a definitive mark on my memory. Unrecognized by ghosts, I move through them one by one. Being pulled forwards, still I feel it moving backwards. This roller coaster of transparent vices rips me inside out, tempting me to give into a fight I have just begun.

Strolling beats of flesh basked in pleasurable thoughts. The fantasies of things out of reach to me. Never relenting to make the annoyances that push me out of reality and into the nightmare of what my life really is.

People look to see what I see. Never notice what I see between the lines of waking and never sleeping with another soul. This confusion is taken to deep extremes of reason
Touching deep onto my soul. They turn and tear at the thread of life.

My thoughts run cold…

MINDLESS

2007-01-19T09:53:00.003-06:00

Possibilities sore out of hand and confuse the people who search for them and never find a thing. What’s more important to a starving child out in the desert, sun, food or shelter? Does the baby, unborn, decide on witch path in life it will take before it leaves the womb or does it sit idly by and let someone else choose its fate to be. Statements of the facts aren’t always the truth of the matter. I’m sitting alone and thinking of you. Evidence that is planted to falsely accuse is taken for the righteous truth in times of false needs. Wronging for to make a right has become necessity for the release of person from the trapped mind. The random fate of one person is the chosen direction of another. Life is like a bowl of fruit. It becomes rotten if you don’t digest the meat of it.

Know Inside

2007-01-19T09:53:00.001-06:00

The soft-spoken word of the old man hit me hard. As I listened to his sermon. I do not know what he is saying, I do not understand the language that he speaks, but I felt the words burned inside of me. Like a volcano eruption. Blood warmed and my skin burned. Turning red as if to standing on the sun for hours on end. Nothing seemed to matter anymore. I just thought that I needed to learn his language to understand more. I wanted more! I needed the knowledge and wisdom he spoke.
I asked, “Mister, Sir, where can I learn you special language?”
He said, “ it already is inside of you.”
“But I don’t understand.”
“Did you not feel the warmth of your blood?”
“Yes.”
“Then your body knows the language and understands. So all you have to do is let your body listen and let your mind go.”

Journey

2007-01-19T09:52:00.004-06:00

A paroles journey into your own mind might reveal things and answers to your common questions. Delve too deep and you risk the possibility of never returning. You will change when doing this. You will be forced to face your worst fears and over come them. You will finally learn that you are never alone. For you shall become content with yourself and it will be as if you always have your most sacred friend with you at all times.

Hard Choice

2007-01-19T09:52:00.003-06:00

Why must I choose between these things that I love so dear? Two people so close I can feel them inside, so warm. It’s something I’d hate to lose. WHY! Must I choose between these things that I love so dear? WHY! Can’t I have them both at my side, I have to choose and one loses. I want no more of this pain. It hurts so deep inside. Please take this pain away, away. I’ve have chosen, so now leave me alone to cope with this pain that won’t go away.

My Ghost

2007-01-19T09:52:00.001-06:00

Flowing and blowing. My thought cramp and crack in concentration of things that seem to be out of reach. Thoughtless forms loom around me. Repeating in whispers my mistakes. With every mistake there is another waiting for me. They follow me like ghosts that have found their perfect haunt.

EXPECTATIONS

2007-01-19T09:51:00.002-06:00

Don’t expect anything from me. I don’t know if I can take the responsibility of it. Love is something I’m better off with out. Nothing seems to come out of it any ways. Anytime I seem to full of it; I just seem to hurt those that ever get close enough to care about me.

What is the use in being apart of something that will end in anger, hate, and strife, feelings lost, with no turning back, bonds broken, no chance to fix, emptiness make my heart hurt but I’m just use to feeling it void all through my life.

The last thing I ever wanted was to hurt anyone else. I never wanted to complicate a life. I just screw things up so bad that happiness fades to sadness over night. I just don’t understand life anymore than before.

Why is that I can’t seem to get from feeling alone. Nothing seems to shake the feeling from my mind. I try to occupy my time, but it’s just no use. I think about it every minute of the day and night. Sleep has fled from me into waking worries that scream out your name.

I’m shaken hard from all this emptiness that seems to abound. Trapped as if locked in a cell, ready for trial and conviction. No visitation for me, stripped of all that I care about, because I’m not allowed to care with out hurting them in the end.

Can’t this just end it self before I end myself to this world and isolate all feelings so no one I came across will look my direction and even care whether I live or die…?

DEATH 1.01

2007-01-19T09:51:00.001-06:00

Drop, drop the blood stains. Ink is thicker and stains longer. You can kill someone with a knife and they do not suffer. You can kill someone with a pen and they can suffer for an eternity, but only as long as people remember what was written down. But if everyone forgets, is the man alive? If only one man remembers in a generation, he will be forever dead.

The ending of life is not the end of being. If someone dies they become something else other than what they were. We all change everyday, how much depends on us. We can kill ourselves, but is it suicide to do so? We choose our own ways. Everyday, weather we kill ourselves is our own choice.

CHOOSE CAREFULLY…

The damage is done

2007-01-19T09:50:00.002-06:00

The light flickers on and off in my mind. Nothing seems to make sense right now. I’ve never felt so sure about wanting to go and meet people until I went out and met myself in the mirror. I really didn’t like what I saw in the reflection. A thin pathetic boy shell of what should be a man. Maybe I still am just a boy inside never really grown up to my potential in this world. I’ve spent too much time trying to gain recognition
From people because he feels so alone. But he has been recognized by those around him to be great person. And the only problem is that it is a fatal mistake for him to see what he had. The quiet respect of everyone around him. Maybe if the respect were not so quiet he would have appreciated it more. He likes to be praised, but he has is hard to accept his accomplishments.

The darkness has over come the light of my spirit. I fight the urges that try to over come me and drag me down into lower depths of human existence. The fight is never ending and it becomes harder everyday. It seems as if the gods have given up on me and decided that I must face this without their help. I’ve never felt so alone before now. I stand on my own against an army of thoughts that pierced and slice my mind apart. I bleed my thoughts but I am mortally wounded. Linear thought is not possible anymore. Random chaotic points of contact are all I am allowed to formulate thoughts with. Explosion like bombs are all I get hit with. Jerking my body and mind around like a rag doll in the jowls of a rabid dog.

To be free to be free, I only want to be free…. But I fear it is too late for the damage is done and he wounds are to sloe to heal.

Committees

2007-01-19T09:50:00.001-06:00

Rolling over and under these random thoughts from the shit hole committee that seem to reside in my mind. I dodge the thoughts that lay waste to me the best I can. Fighting back seems o be like the trench warfare of WWI. Ever locked in a stalemate. Sometimes though each side seems to gain an upper hand. I seem to get some relief when I’m able to push the committee back. But when the committee in my mind takes a larger hold the violent thrashing of their words torments me and my conscience.

But I have a new weapon or his war. One that is to ensure victory but I fear it. With a fear that is only known as fear of the unknown. I am afraid of what is in store for me. Why am I so afraid of a better life? I tend to believe that I’m so embedded in what is the chaos of my life. That I would feel uncomfortable in a life that brings peace and serenity.

Have I become to comfortable bringing harm to myself? Now my war is taken to a higher level. The committees in my mind has gained more ground than ever before. Entrenching themselves deep in the new front lines that have formed in my mind. I must regroup and push onward to rid them from my mind and quiet them down. The weapon I have found is just a tool, but is a tool I must use. And use it now! I must shed this fear of change and loss of persons that I use to call friends for it is my mind and my life that hang on the cliff ledge. I ready to fall over the edge. My footholds seem to be faltering, but I will stand me ground. I must fight on! I will fight on! For this new tool, this new weapon does not let me fight this war alone. For the new friends found are my commanders that teach me and lead me. I know I shall not lose this war.

But I still am afraid. So afraid of finding out who I really am.

Austin to Delavan

2007-01-19T09:49:00.003-06:00

Your voice is cold across the wires. I thought you’d be happy to hear my voice telling you that I’m coming home to you. You pretend to pay me attention, acting like a good friend, but in the end you push me away, maybe
I should just stay right were I am. But I don’t want to run away.
Just 2 more years and I’ll be through. Maybe it will be better. Maybe I’ll be finally over you. Because I know that you are over me.

Alternate Reality

2007-01-19T09:49:00.001-06:00

Placid thoughts stained in my brain. Sleep is the blanket that covers my eyes. Tiny holes make my mind believe that I’m looking at the night sky. Delusions create alternate realities of truth, but we no longer need to be asleep to experience it.

Aesthetically Appealing

2007-01-19T09:48:00.002-06:00

Aesthetically appealing to the senses. We can’t let go of ourselves. We put self before others trying so hard to win the prize. Is it worth all the work when you learn that the rewards are worth less and leave you empty inside? Are you ready to be alone? Understand that pushing and pulling can tear everything apart.

A Day at School

2007-01-19T09:48:00.001-06:00

My mind cramps trying to form thoughts. Watching people as my food goes cold. I see you in someone else’s face. I stare trying to disconcern the reality from what my mind is trying to say to me. It is said that everyone has a twin in this world somewhere. But how can you explain the four I’ve seen of you so far…

My head swells trying to put these words on paper. Repetitive melodies flow into my mind from the floor above my seat. Disrupted thoughts slash into me. These bleeding words are all I have in my mind.

People move, I stay in place bleeding these words to paper. Ten after noon and I sit on this bench, were I always sit thinking of you.

5 feb 99

2007-01-19T09:47:00.000-06:00

The darkness of the room encloses me
Like a blanket when I sleep
Only a candle brings me warmth within these walls
Indecision weighs heavy in my mind
I am afraid of what’s to be
I am not ready to commit to me
I don’t want to be set free
I enjoy this
No, I just have become to accustom this life I am in right now
Trapped with no escape
Locked in by a piece of paper that I signed

I am afraid
I am afraid of the outside world

These dreams I dream of fleeting things
Wishes and desires of better things that I can’t have
I want to get away but there is no where to run
I want to drop all responsibility and hide away
Break on through to the other side

This darkness scares me
I can’t even remember what it was like to be free
I can’t even remember what it was like to be me

I have these papers with these words that I write upon them
I have this music that keeps me alive
But somehow the music seems empty now
No longer alive, just like how I feel inside
I feel like I’m dragging my feet and losing time
I’m running out of time
Nothing seems to be real all just a dream
I feel like I’m always dreaming
I’ve forgotten how to understand things
I’ve lost the spark of fire I once held

My eyes are heavy
I believe I shall go to sleep to wake up

The Death of the Pen

2007-01-12T08:17:00.000-06:00

In my original website I posted this message about 2002:

R.I.P. My Pen (1989-2002)

I lost the will to write poems about my life. My work, school, other writing projects and home life did not afford me the time to put pen to paper in poetry or lyrics. I started numerous stories about a game I played named Asheron's Call. In the end however those stories were never finished.

Since then I have tried to write numerous of times, but it was to no avail, I never liked what came out. I have once again picked up my pen in an attempt to write again. A few things have come out, but not much.

I will continue to post here though, there are more writings from my past to share. As well and the vew things post 2002 I have written.

3.20.2001 ( The Final Blow)

2007-01-11T08:27:00.000-06:00

This mornings was one I should of stayed in bed
The news of you hit me like a knife
I hope this makes you happy in life
Because it’s killing me
With every reminder here of you

I thought I was over you
I’ve tried to forget your face
Pushing your memories out of view
But I find that they just stay in place

Love is something that won’t die
It turns and kills me from the inside
Like a final blow to the heart
Making sure I can never forget you

Maybe this is what I get for returning to this place
Hoping to find release from you I only get pulled
Back with my memories of you

Untitled 18

2007-01-11T08:26:00.002-06:00

The deeper I go
The less I know what to do
I see you standing there
I guess there is only one thing to do
I look away
My head swells
My heart pounds
My knees shake
(I’m lifted right off the ground)
When ever you are around
Because I’m falling
I’m falling in love with you
It’s so true, I never would have thought
That I’d fall in love with you.

Untitled 17

2007-01-11T08:26:00.001-06:00

Is this the best you have to offer us?
Your latent form of genius
As you try to apologize for the sorry world we have outside
You try to place a light in us
And we just stare
Looking faceless at the prospect of knowing
That you really don’t care

Is this the worst you can take from us?
In our latent fall from genius
No need o apologize
To the sorry world we see inside

Timing

2007-01-11T08:25:00.003-06:00

How can I tell you all the things
I would like to say
A different Time
A different place
Perhaps…I’m just dreaming too much.
Dreaming of things just out of reach
How can I tell you all the feelings
I’ve felt for you
The things you say
The things I want to say

It all comes down to timing
And I’ve timed it all wrong again

Taking for Granted

2007-01-11T08:25:00.001-06:00

Suppression of the memories of you
Never helped when they came unglued
Exploding in my mind
I can’t help relive past mistakes of me life

Now you are gone
I never meant to hurt you
I was only thinking of myself
Taking for granted
All the things you gave me

You turned your back
And left me where I belonged
Alone out in the cold

Spoiled

2007-01-11T08:24:00.002-06:00

I’m so pretty, cant you see
I know that everyone looks at me
I’m so spoiled, yes it’s true
I don’t pay attention because of you

Thanks to daddy, I can’t lose
He replaces all the things I don’t use
I’m so spoiled, yes it’s true
I have all these pretty things thanks to you

Please, let me stay….

2007-01-11T08:24:00.001-06:00

So now you know the truth
I know I can’t change the past
Just let me stat here for awhile
Let me look at you smiling just one more time.

Long Halls

2007-01-11T08:23:00.002-06:00

I open the door
To these halls that seem only to remind me more of you
I walk in the hall
Remembering you smiling face as you saw me coming through
I sit on the floor
Looking at the place we sat together laughing with our friends

It’s been three years now
I thought I’d be over you by now
The mistakes I’ve made won’t let me leave this place again

I can’t close the door to you
These halls seem so empty now
The floor is cold with the memories of all the better times we’ve shared.

Knowing, Understanding (version 2)

2007-01-11T08:23:00.001-06:00

We look for another’s love
To share our feelings towards another
It’s something so basic and so unclear

It’s something I’ve come to understand
As being apart of life
It’s something that we can’t go with out

To give, to take
In a partnership with you
Is something that we must come to know
As being one, together we must understand
That being loved, and loving someone
Comes form understanding
The love we have from one to another

Knowing, Understanding

2007-01-11T08:22:00.004-06:00

Do you understand?
That love and life go hand and hand?
Did you understand?
That pushing through is tearing us apart?

To give, to take
In essence of partnership with you
Is something that we must come to know
As being one, together we must understand
That being loved is something to share
With one another in understanding
For each other’s love for one another.

J. Murphy’s Law

2007-01-11T08:22:00.003-06:00

I’ve been your shoulder to cry on
Maybe one day you will see me
As some thing more than a friend

You, turn away, I close my eyes
I know you’re going back to him
I see all to clear now
One day, I keep hope alive
You will be mine

I’ve said it before
Now I can’t form the words
I’ve watched for far to long
My eyes are tired of this view

Feeling Inside

2007-01-11T08:22:00.001-06:00

Sparkling eyes that shine though space
Softness touch along my face
A warm embrace that could never replace
Feelings that come
From just looking at your face

They say beauty is in the eye of the beholder
All I know is that I long to hold you once again

Your always in my heart, but want you in my arms.

A letter to my parents

2007-01-11T08:20:00.000-06:00

Mother, father I’m lonely
I have my friends here, but this house is so empty
I don’t know what I should do

I’m living in someone else’s world
Sleeping with out dreaming.
These nights last too long
I’m not moving in life

Mother, Father, can I come home?
Is it possible to a child once more?
And be full of dreams of moving out again?

Sincerely,
your son.

Us Together

2007-01-10T08:35:00.000-06:00

Through think and thin
We manage to win
Feelings that we share
Can’t ever compare
To life before I met you

Good times, bad times
We have managed to stay together
Our love grows from moment to moment

With looking back
We go on together
Loving one another

Through rain and shine
I am yours and you are mine
This love we share
Can’t ever compare
To life before I met you

Untitled 16

2007-01-10T08:34:00.003-06:00

These passing days
Is just a phase
That I’m just going through
These passing days
Is the time
That I leave you behind

It’s time to leave it all behind
And move on, I’m gone
With out you to weigh me down again

Never again will I pretend not to see
Never again will I call you my friend
Never again will I forgive your stupidity
Never again will I live with these lies
I see with my eyes fixed on you.

Spring Dream

2007-01-10T08:34:00.001-06:00

The cold night air blows across my face
I look into it wishing for a bit of peace
I think of those soft eyes looking back at me
I know it’s time to leave this place again

I let my feelings go
Stretching my hands into the wind
Dreaming of her soft embrace
Brings me back to a warm place in spring

The moon could never out shine her smile
Wanting eyes to hold her next to mine
The softest of kisses that make my wishes come all to true
I know it’s time to leave this place again

I let my feelings show
Wide eyed into the wind
Dreaming of her soft embrace
Brings me back to a warm place in spring

A Shell of Me

2007-01-10T08:33:00.004-06:00

I was just sitting there thinking of you
I couldn’t help but to breakdown and cry
Over what has happen between you and me

I try to smile and act like nothing has happen here
If you could only see me now, with out you
I’m just a shell of what I was with you next to me

I pry to God to make it all better
I look to my friends for the answers
There is no more time
To put back the pieces
There is no more time
For me to make enough amends
For the things I’ve done to you

Remembering

2007-01-10T08:33:00.003-06:00

I see your eyes
A smile so sweet it melts my heart
My knees are weak again
I feel my heart in my throat
I can’t speak the words to you
This happens to me every time you are near

I just want one day with you
Maybe then I will be all right
I just want one night with you
Maybe than I can live life again

How can I tell you that I love you
Every time you’re near I lose control
Today, tonight
Can I lose control with you

The first night with her

2007-01-10T08:33:00.001-06:00

Blue eyes that shine
Showing me that her heart is mine
Soft hands touch my face
Showing me that she cares

These soft whispers you put in my ear
Always make me want you near
Those soft whispers you put in my ear
Tell me how much you love me

Tell me that you leave me again
And I’ll hold them dear
When you’re away I still hear them
Silently in my ear

These wimple words that I write
Could never show how I feel this night
Take me home tonight
‘Cause I know with you everything is right

Feelings Move On

2007-01-10T08:27:00.000-06:00

Sitting quietly, I watch the time go by
Never moving, I clear my mind
Of the things I’ve done wrong

Stagnation has taken hold
I’ve lived to long in this place
Chained down by duty
To serve my country
It was my choice getting here
But choice was lost when I raised my hand

My time is almost over
There are things to do now
Simple freedoms to be gained by leaving
I’ll never look back and ask why
I’m on a new road that I can’t put aside

I look forward to see,
Hope fills my heart,
As I come near the end at last
Maybe I need this change of heart
Before I tear myself apart.

You Are The One

2007-01-08T07:43:00.002-06:00

The sun is setting on our love
We never cared about anything except each other
Evening twilight in upon us
And we know everything is going to be all right

And with this ring I give to you all my heart
And with all my heart I will follow you anywhere
Till the end of time and beyond all our lives

This love will pull us through
But as much as I love you
I can never seem to show you
Just how much I love you

With the radio playing all the songs
That make me think of you
I still remember all those nights
That I held you so close and tight
It just saddens me to think of you
So far away from here

I’m so far away from home
That I can’t even feel your touch

When I’m thinking of you

2007-01-08T07:43:00.001-06:00

I look to the sun for warmth
In December days of cold
As my breath is seen so bold in the air

I turn to you for love
When I’m living here without you

I look to the moon for comfort
As these nights go buy with out you
I think of nights we shared together here

I turn to your love
When I’m living here without you

When is a smile more than happiness?
When is a frown more than sadness?
When is laughter more than joy?
When is crying more than grief

It’s when I’m thinking of you

Untitled 15

2007-01-08T07:42:00.000-06:00

My mind reels, and nothing seems real
This daze that’s over me just won’t let me be
I sit and stare at what the people have to share
And sometimes I can even relate it to me

But can I accept the truth
Of what’s really inside of me
I ponder the times, I tried to ask why
Is there anything that can help me believe?

Not enough has been said
Not enough has been done
I look to you for the answers
But I don’t know the questions

Can it be that I’m right where I need to be?

This Mess

2007-01-08T07:41:00.004-06:00

A record spins throwing music in the air
I think of the consequences for having
Turned everything upside down
All your hard work has never paid itself off
Now you’re making up excuses to make it all seem so smooth
But you never find the pieces to make everything come together in your hands

This looks like a mess, just turn the page
We’ve made a mess, just turn the page
I can’t believe it’s come to this
A sentimental memory of a time when
We were together

The Real You

2007-01-08T07:41:00.003-06:00

I see now the friend you are
I only did what was right for everyone
Just because you can’t let it go
Doesn’t mean I’m going to suffer along

I didn’t do what I did for fun
But you pulled the trigger and fired the gun
Shot me down and never looked back
To see what you left behind

Have you been this way all your life
Turning sour with the slightest bit of strife
Not everyone can have it easy all the time
You’ve got to face this and move on

So long – I fucked up

2007-01-08T07:41:00.001-06:00

Goodbye my company
Hello to this halo
Goodbye to this part of me
Hello to this payload

I use to keep imagining
That everything was against me
Now I’m alone in silence
Contemplating out my defiance

Goodbye to the rest of me
Hello to my new low
Goodbye don’t cry for me
Hello I must go

Tricks and tips disgust me
I’ve tried honest and valor
Pieces in the jaws of laughter
All the teeth start to chatter

Can this music pull and hold it all together
Can these scribbles keep ma mind on level
Can these people see what’s happening to me
Can me friends understand all they see

Goodbye to all of me
Hello to the halo
Goodbye to what I see
Hello I must know

Save the World

2007-01-08T07:40:00.005-06:00

See her standing on the corner
She’s waiting for a man to pay her way
To better days found on a mattress
(I can’t look no more.)
See him sulking in among the shadows
He’s waiting for someone to pay his way
To redemption found in a bottle
(I can’t look no more)

I haven’t got the time for the things I see
(I can’t look no more at these things)
It’s no use trying to save the world until I can save myself
(I can’t look at anything until I look at myself)
When we go so low as to put it all on the line
For the petty things that become our addictions
When we pave the way to lose our self-righteousness
With the voices that we can’t let fade away
We might as well give up on ourselves

Is there nothing worth saving?
Is there nothing worth striving for?
I’m tired of looking outside, please shut the door
(I can’t look at these things no more)

I know I’m not better than the next man is
But at least I’ve still have enough pride
To push myself out of the holes we fall in
And keep my self-moving ahead, in time
I’ll find away, for you, too

Really Alone

2007-01-08T07:40:00.003-06:00

The green of the trees
Is more than skin deep
The more I think of you
The more I try to stay away
From the places I was lost without you

The simple memory of you
Is just too much to contemplate
When is being alone, really being alone
Without you

The blue of the sky
Is more than skin deep
The more I think of you
The more I try to stay away
From the memories I have without you

The simple memory of you
Is just too much to contemplate
When is being alone, really being alone
With out you

Once Again

2007-01-08T07:40:00.001-06:00

Strike me down again
I never thought that I could have so much trust in you
Knock me down again
I guess I just got suckered in with your smile

Once again
You let me down
I turned around
You were gone
And I was lost
Your bridges burned
This lesson learned
I can’t believe you got to me

Strike me down again
I feel like this is going to be the end
Knock me down again
I never saw that you sucker punch come around

Never again
This trust unfound
I’m on the ground
With my head
Between my knees
It’s so absurd
I feel so burned
I can’t conceive you got to me
Never again will you get the best of me

Not without you

2007-01-08T07:39:00.001-06:00

Her eyes shine like stars on the sky
I wish I could make them mine
So many questions to ask of you
But there are no answers for me to choose

I see her, she sees me
Our hand join as one
As we look to the sun
No words to be spoken
Between our ears
Just two hearts filled with love
There is nothing else we hold dear

Her smile feels as warm as the sun
She could never be replaced by anyone
There is so many things I want to do
But I could never do them with out you

Her embrace is soft in the breeze
I know she loves me more and more
As the days go by with each other
But I can’t go on here with out her

Not on my Own

2007-01-08T07:38:00.004-06:00

I’ve come to ask you for help
The 4 years of trying to do things on my own alone
Has taken a toll on my soul

I try to speak, but the words just don’t form right
I want to let you know how I feel right now
I need to work this out of me with you
To get better in this world

How can I trust myself anymore
I’ve failed at everything before
Because I made myself so alone

I rejected friends and family
I even rejected me

I found you
Now I’m not alone anymore
I have found away to pick myself up again
And with this help I will conquer all, I am

Memories of you

2007-01-08T07:38:00.003-06:00

Her voice echoes in my mind
I can picture her eyes so bright
And the smile she wears when we
First met each other

Even though she is far away
She is always close to my heart
I’m so glad, I’m so glad
I just want you to know
I’m so glad I met you

The little whispers that she spoke
I still remember the words
She said before she left for home
That unforgettable night with her

Can I go on with out her by my side?
Only the memories of those days pull me through to you
The daily pains that I go through are never
Quite as bad when you are around
I wish you could just take me away from here

Now I know what it feels like to hurt
Now I know what it feels like to love

Is this hell?

2007-01-08T07:38:00.001-06:00

Four walls surround me
The comfort I look for is not with in here

I dream of your arms around me
Now I’m upside down
I stare up to the floor
Wondering what I see inside me

Show me a better way
To shed these feelings that stay
Misery has got to me
Cutting me down again

Your arms let go of me too soon
I’m falling to the ceiling
I close my eyes once more
Wonder what you see inside me

Feeling like there is nothing I can do
I turn to the memories of you
I’m broken, but working out from the inside of this shell
Trying to keep myself from burning n this hell

I’m not you

2007-01-08T07:37:00.002-06:00

I can’t escape this place of false faces
I know
I fucked up, but it doesn’t change who I am inside
You see me in a different way, what can I hide
You wanted to see everything

All torn up
All torn apart
Sitting quietly alone

Watching people go by
Their faces explain that they don’t contemplate the local weather
To them everything is so perfect
Their place is set the dinner is served cold
And they never wonder why
The wold never stops for them

If trying to be like you
Is the easy way of life
Then how could I live with myself

Grown Up

2007-01-08T07:37:00.001-06:00

I never thought that schoolboys could tell me much of life
I looked at them with hard-boiled eyes, never cracking a smile
But I never really grew out of their shoes

I see them running
I see them playing
With all the things I use to cherish in my heart
Now I know what it is like to be grown up
Searching for a better day than before

I run in circles, I move in paths not mine
I look at myself with hard-boiled eyes
And see nothing but a shell of a child

Friends End

2007-01-08T07:36:00.002-06:00

I watch the clouds roll by over the trees
Can I have some more meaningless conversation please

I hadn’t though that I could stand to talk to you
I’ve never been so annoyed until now
You hate me
I hate you
But we both are unable to leave this place
And find better conversations

It’s been a year
It took that long to break the friendship we had
This circus we live in is breaking us down
We need to get out, move on to better times
I know that we are never right just wrong in here

Feelings Move On

2007-01-08T07:36:00.001-06:00

Sitting quietly I watch the time go by
Never moving I clear my mind
Of the things I’ve done wrong

Stagnation has taken hold
I’ve lived to long in this place
Chained down by duty
To serve my country
It was my choice getting here
But choice was lost when I raised my hand

My time is almost over
There are things to do now
Simple freedoms to be gained by leaving
I’ll never look back and ask why

I’m on a new road that I can’t put aside
I look forward to see hope filling my heart
As I come near the end at last
Maybe I need this change of heart
Before I tear myself apart.

Everything with Him

2007-01-08T07:35:00.004-06:00

I never honestly looked at myself
I try to let go of the way of life
That put me in this mess that I’m in

I’m not in control anymore
I’m giving up the reins to someone higher than I am

We are not in control, we never were
We’ve got to stop fooling ourselves
With the fear that we are nothing when we give ourselves up to God
We can be anything through Him.

Don’t go…

2007-01-08T07:35:00.003-06:00

The newness of you brings pain and relief
To these tired eyes
A simple pleasure that’s long forgotten
Is sparked once again inside of me

Pleas don’t go away
I need you to stay
You bring out the best in my
Even if at time I don’t believe

This simple bliss had been missed
I’m afraid to lose it again
This simple bliss had been missed
I know now that I never have to pretend

Dark Day in Texas

2007-01-08T07:35:00.001-06:00

The rain is coming down
The water pools and I see my reflection
Oil stains disfigures my face
But I think it makes me look better than I really do

The thunder and the lightning shake and light the sky
Dark clouds roll over head telling me to go back to bed
But I can’t move, I only think of you

At my side, or just in my mind
You are never far away
I love to hear your name
Even if I have to say it to myself

This dark day in Texas
Makes me miss you so much more than before
It really suites how I feel today
I remember sunny days together
These thought run like water in my mind
The water falls from my eye as I think of you so far away

Coming Home

2007-01-08T07:34:00.004-06:00

There is this girl I know, and her heart is made of gold
There is this girl I know, and her smiles are big and bold

I tell her how much I love her
But it’s never quite enough
This love between you and me
Is for the whole world to see
I just wanted to say I love you
Because I know you love me

There is this girl I know, that I dream about when I’m all alone
There is this girl I know, that dreams of the day that I come back home

She tells me that she loves me
And that she can’t express it enough
This love we have for each other
Is what holds us together
I came home to say I love you
Because I know that you love me

With big blue eyes and a smile so wide
She greets me at the door
I hold her tight, never waiting to let her go

Blame

2007-01-08T07:34:00.003-06:00

I’ve learned that to blame someone else
Is not to look at my self-true
The faults I have are all my own
There is no one to blame but myself
For all the shit I put my self through

Redirection of my imperfection
Is the reason I am where I am, now
Sitting here with you

Clarification, gratification
Another gift from God learned through you

Everything is changing
No longer am I the same
I become better one day at a time
Thank you for helping me see me true.

Another Chance

2007-01-08T07:34:00.001-06:00

I’m not the one to harm anyone
I never meant to hurt anything

No break, these thoughts of violence
I can’t seem to shake, from my mind
Now take these needles from my heart
So I can love once again, in time

I seem to lose myself
In side I’m barely alive
I try not to hide
I turn over in my mind

As misery comfort, and sadness warms my heart
I see the days, just strip away
Another chance at piecing my self back together
I just hope the pieces fit back together again

The days just roll away
The future doesn’t seem to far away
Is there nothing to say
About how I never seem to stay in one place

02.04.1999

2007-01-08T07:33:00.000-06:00

I never saw you look so down
What was it that made you walk with you head
So close to the ground

You’re such a pretty boy
And you have a really pretty girl
To look after you
I wonder if you and her are going to be at my home for awhile
Say you will stay for awhile
I’m lonely and I need friends around

You use to look so happy
I’m trying to understand what you are
Going through

Of all the times you helped me
Why can’t I help you

I never saw you look so down
It’s not healthy to scrape your head
On the ground

You never left me

2007-01-08T07:22:00.000-06:00

Can you feel me?
Can you hear me?
Can you see me when you close your eyes?
Do you even think of me?

I thought I saw you today
In someone else’s face
I thought I heard your voice
From someone else’s lips
Your touch is what I want to feel
But no one can give me that but you

I dream the dreams of a time-gone bye
I see you so clearly whenever I close me eyes
I hear your voice ever so softly
Telling me it’s ok
But I wake up and realize it was just a dream

You never left me
Even though you’re gone
I remember smiling at the memories of you
But now I cry at every thought of your face

We will be together.

2007-01-05T19:56:00.001-06:00

I watch as the rain falls in the street light
Cigarette smoke floats past my face
I see you standing there in the rain
Thinking if you should come to me or just walk away
And all I can say is that you are more beautiful than ever before
As you just stand in the street light letting the rain wet down your hair

Jessie, don’t walk away,
I’ve never done anything to upset you
Jessie, don’t walk away,
I just want you near me
I just want you in my life

I watch as the rain stops falling in the street light
I flick my cigarette into the grass
I see you smile as you come to me
Thinking of us together
And your beauty shines more than every as you come near
I know now that we will always be together.

Tread of Memories

2007-01-05T19:55:00.004-06:00

White light flashes as I watch the world go by
I wonder if she ever thinks of me in time
The things I’ve seen and the dreams I’ve dreamed
Will never replace the feelings I have in my mind

The voices that whisper in the dark at night
I try not to listen to them as they fade in my mind
The things I’ve felt and the lives I’ve lead
Will never replace the desire I have deep inside

The replacement killers are the pills
That are my reality to swallow whole
Save me, save me from this bliss
Save me, save me from loneliness

She has gone along, alone
Dragging me by a thread
Made of my own memories of her
I can’t seem to let go of it at all
As I continue to slip out of control

Red lights flash in my eyes as I watch the world leave
I’m blinded by the glare in the thoughts of her fire
The things I never thought I would do to you
Will haunt my mind and keep me awake at night.

SWIRL

2007-01-05T19:55:00.003-06:00

City lights stream and fade away
In my mind I seem to stay

Changing times have made me realize
What it is to lose my mind
Within the past events of time

Still wide-awake, staring with blood shot eyes
I’m falling into places I don’t need to be
I need to stop living within history

Bedroom lights swirl and fade away
In my mind I seem to stay

Picking up the pieces I find
That I’m living an empty life
Without the friends I call mine

Stupid Boy

2007-01-05T19:55:00.001-06:00

I dream these dream about you
I dream these dreams without you
I trip and fall all over you
I stumble through because of you

These naked days just pass me by
I sit here in the shade, all cold
Watching you laying in the sun
Looking at you, I come undone

Nothing will ever be the same
I can’t even remember your name
Your beauty blinds me and makes me dumb
Just call me stupid, I’ve come undone

I’m just a stupid boy

Razor Burn

2007-01-05T19:54:00.004-06:00

Ten razors tall
I stand out to cut all of you down
Big teeth and a smile
Is all I have for you when you come around

Fuck all of you
Don’t stand in my way
You try, you try, you try
There’s no way you can win

Ten razors tall
Don’t expect me to apologize at all
I’ve waited far to long
To put it out of view when you come along

There’s nothing out there
There is even less in here
Stop looking for something
That completes you self image
With out giving satisfaction from within

Stop looking for something
That just stays outside your eye
Not giving you peace of mind and soul

PATHETIC

2007-01-05T19:54:00.003-06:00

ALL SYSTEMS ARE GO
AND NO ONE WILL KNOW
THE TIMES THAT WE SHARE
WITH THE PEOPLE WHO CARE

AND I KNOW IT’S HARD
TO BE WITH THE PEOPLE WHO DON’T SEEM TO CARE
AND I KNOW LIFE IS ROUGH
WHEN SOMEONE SO CLOSE IS NEVER REALLY THERE

IT’S TIME TO COME TO YOUR SENSES
NO ONE CAN MAKE YOU ANYTHING LESS
THAN WHAT YOU MAKE YOURSELF TO BE

I FOUND SOMETHING INSIDE OF ME

I’VE KEPT IT ALL INSIDE
BUT THERE IS NOWHERE TO HIDE
THERE IS NOTHING TO BE SHOWN
THIS LIFE IS MY OWN

BUT WE ALL MUST TRY
NO ONE CAN CHANGE THE FACT THAT YOU ARE YOU
IT’S ALL DO OR DIE
JUST ACCEPT THIS AS TRUTH AND START LIFE ANEW

IT’S TIME TO COME TO YOUR SENSES
NO ONE CAN MAKE YOU ANYTHNG LESS
THAN WHAT YOU MAKE YOURSELF TO BE

I’VE FOUND NEW STRENGTH IN ME

SO STOP LOOKING AT THE GROUND
BECAUSE THERE IS NOTHING THERE TO BE FOUND
NO ONE IS GOING TO HAND YOU LOVE
YOU MUST GET IT FROM INSIDE AND ABOVE

Painful Time of Day

2007-01-05T19:54:00.001-06:00

Her eyes are closed
She’s thinking of him in better days
These memories won’t fade away
She holds them close to her heart

The world moves on but she stands still
Unable to move, unable to see
She sheds a tear in fear of what’s to be

The radio plays
She’s thinking of him in better ways
These melodies swirl and fade away
She’s locked away deep in her heart

The world moves on, but she stand still
Unable to view, unable to leave
She sheds a tear in fear of what’s to be

The light I saw in her eyes is gone
Put out by something going out of control
Lacking strength to go on
She breaths just to stay alive
Her memories are all she has in this life
To take her away from here
He memories are all she’s got
To take her back from here

OVER YOU

2007-01-05T19:53:00.004-06:00

I am the one who cares (for you)
I am the one to be there (for you)
By you’re side, or just deep inside
I’ll bring you up when you are down
You can count on me to be around

Nothing is as sweet as your kiss
The warm embrace that I miss
I sometimes wonder how I get by
Knowing that you’re with some other guy

Leandra, I know that I’ve done you wrong
Leandra, I’m stuck here as you move on
Leandra, someday the pain will go away
Leandra, I know I will get over you someday

I was the one who cared for you
I was the one who was there for you
At your side or just deep inside
I’ll try to hold you up above the crowd
But you no longer want me around

Not any better

2007-01-05T19:53:00.003-06:00

I sit here and wonder
What would life be like if we were back together
The trust is left and gone, I broke your heart
And you’ve already found another
That will hold you close to him
So with these crazy thoughts that only
Make my life that much harder to live.

I sit and stare
The shadows on the walls dance meaningless gestures
I see them all to clearly even when asleep
Dreams of you and me haunt my mind
Not letting me rest here as I try to gather
The pieces, to put my life back together to live

Quietly I cry
As the angels soothe my soul
Silently I try
As you turn away from me
To hold on to something that isn’t there
I thought I was getting better at living here

NO MORE WORDS I CAN SAY

2007-01-05T19:53:00.001-06:00

THERE ARE NO MORE WORDS I CAN SAY THAT CAN MAKE THIS ANY BETTER. I KNOW I WILL BRING HURT IF I STAY ANY LONGER. MY FEELINGS WILL NEVER FADE. I DON’T WANT TO BREAK WHAT WAS MADE. BUT IT’S JUST TO LATE TO HANG ON. IT DOESN’T SEEM RIGHT TO GO ON. I CAN’T GET IT OUT OF MY MIND. BUT I’M REALLY LETTING GO THIS TIME. BECAUSE I KNOW IT’S THE RIGHT THING TO DO. I NEED TO GET AWAY FROM YOU. AND I KNOW I WON’T LOOK BACK THIS WAY. SO DON’T WAIT FOR ME TO RETURN. I’M LETTING MY BRIDGES BURN. I’VE REACHED THE POINT OF NO RETURN WITH YOU. YOU’VE SET THE MOOD. I’M THROUGH WITH YOU. BY THE WAY, CAN I SPEND THE NIGHT NEXT TO YOU?

My own song…

2007-01-05T19:52:00.003-06:00

You look at your image in the mirror
Do you recognize what’s in front of you?
Displeased with what you see
You smash the glass and leave home

City lights stream above your heard
You must find a reason to exist
Playing the part of the fool
You’re playing by your own rules

Drink you heart out
Take the latest fix
You’ll go home alone, for sure
It’s your life to endure

MOVING

2007-01-05T19:52:00.001-06:00

Feelings follow, nothing is happening between us. I’m afraid of moving on without you near,or without you at all. Voices in the wind tell me to be strong. But these feelings have been there for so long. My life is my own, but I feel so alone. I can’t help what I feel. It hurts so bad, I know it’s real.

Miss Eliasson I…

2007-01-05T19:51:00.004-06:00

Your just sitting there
I don’t mean to stare at your face
But I have to look for a little while

People pass by and don’t even try to see
The smile on your face
When you think of me there at your side

I know how much you try
And I see you cry
I wonder why I can’t be there for you

I take your hand in mine
Say, tomorrow will be another day
That I wish you will never leave

We look to each other to see
What we have in one another
But my eyes are closed so I can be next to you

Your pictures are never enough for me
To feel the way I do
When I’m thinking of you at my side

I know how much you try
And I see you cry
I wonder why I can’t be there for you

I take your hand in mine
Say, tomorrow will be another day
That I wish you could just stay

Love letter

2007-01-05T19:51:00.003-06:00

It’s too late to change my mind
I’m trying to change my heart
This love letter is making me hunt you down
Am I living inside myself
Or just losing touch with you

This love letter has got the worst of you
I can’t stand-alone anymore
I’ve fallen to the floor
Paralyzed by the memory of you

It’s too late to change my mind about you
I’ve tried to change my heart
This love letter is making me bring you down
Are you living how you live
Or are you losing everything too

It’s too late to change my mind
I’m going to change my heart
This love letter is making me take you down
I’ve fallen down again….

LOSE

2007-01-05T19:51:00.001-06:00

Time can’t ease the feeling of pain I feel
I’m not ready to move on

Loss of trust separates our lives
And brings in disgust
What was done is past
Can’t you just move on, at last

Looks burn
Deep inside
Lesson learned
Nothing to hide
I’m no longer with you

Feelings fade
Away in time
With passing days
Gone by
I’M NO LONGER WITH YOU

You won’t let me forget the past
I’m losing my mind at last
Is this what you wanted
Because all is lost, like I never lived

Long distance serenade

2007-01-05T19:50:00.004-06:00

I think of you as I sit here patiently for the hour to pass by
So I can leave for home.
I dream of you at night waiting patiently for the thirty days to pass by
So I can see you again

The time has come for me to go home and be with you

You are so beautiful
I don’t understand how I’ve lived this long with out you here at my side
I don’t know why I’ve never know these feelings until I met you

Texas maybe home, but I’m stuck here all alone
You’re always in my mind
Please be patient, it’s just a matter of time
Till we hold hands once again
And walk together under the sun

Our love is holding us together
Our love is making up the space

Lollipops and Red Balloons

2007-01-05T19:50:00.003-06:00

It comes and goes
This feeling of insecurity just grows
The pain and hurt
Passes by when I try to find the cure

When I was a boy I never dreamed
Of these kind of days
Adults never knew why
We didn’t try to understand life through their eyes
Nothing ever mattered to us but candy and smiles

Lollipops and red balloons
Sleeping in until almost noon
Nothing seemed to phase me in those days
Not a care to damage me in anyway
But now it seems that I’m too aware
Of what my surroundings are here
In my room alone…

L.M.B. IS NOT WITH ME

2007-01-05T19:50:00.001-06:00

SLIPPING MEMORIES OF WHEN YOU WERE AROUND
REMEMBER WHEN I WAS THE ONE TO KISS YOUR CROWN
NOW, SOMEONE ELSE SITS WITH HIS ARM AROUND
THE COOLEST GIRL IN TOWN

CHRISTIE FRONT DRIVE, RIDES IN MY MIND
AS THE PROMISE RING IS RETURNED
THIS BOY’S LIFE WASN’T SO KIND
SAMIAM HAS TAKEN HIS TURN

IT SEEMS L.M.B. IS NOT THE ONE FOR ME….

Lizzie’s Reprise

2007-01-05T19:49:00.005-06:00

You build the walls around you
Wide eyes staring into space
Sometimes, I really feel for you
It must be hard, to feel the way you do.

Pushing forward
Losing touch
With all the reality that seems to weigh too much
Your simple mind
Will be lost
When the truth hits home in your life of lust.

You try to steal him away from her
While she's away from this place
All the while it's just a game
It must be hard, to live life with no shame.

It's not working
It's not working
I'd refuse you, too.

IT WILL BLEED

2007-01-05T19:49:00.003-06:00

Something is killing me from the inside out
The pain leaves me limp. I can’t even scream or shout
My bloody scars are all that I have for you
It’s already to late for me, but what about you

I need to get out of this depression
It covers me like a dark obsession
Penetrating every opening I have
It covers me like an old scab

Pick it off so I will bleed, just like you
Don’t you understand what this is coming too?

Something is tearing me limb from limb
I’m so numb from the pain my body goes limp
These little deaths that I seem to go through
Is how I cope with the memories of you.

I need to get out of this depression
It covers me like a dark obsession
Penetrating every opening I have
It covers me like an old scab

Pick it off so I will bleed, just like you
Don’t you understand what this is coming too?

People groping me with their crooked smile
Looking at me like a murderer on trial
They make me shrink deep inside myself
With no way out, but to lose what I felt

Insane

2007-01-05T19:49:00.001-06:00

Waiting in the shadows
Watching you go by
I am the one who will be in control
Submit to me, give into me

What is the difference in being a slave or just following the crowd
Being empty heading is the biggest killer of individuality
No meaning to your life
No reason to survive
No reason to decide
Just sit back and let it slide

Hope and pain
Keeps us sane
Lose all else
Deny yourself

Love and hate
Keeps our state
Gain all self
Denny all else